A Very Important Letter to Myself
The story about how I discovered myself and started living after being invisible most of my life. Seeing my bullies in a new perspective.
My New Beginning
I recently came to a closure in my life. Better said, I finally found my new beginning.
Having constantly heard and felt that I am not good enough throughout my childhood, as well as my early adult life, has taken quite a toll on me. I’ve lived in the shadows my entire life, and graduated from the University of Invisibility with honors. I was never worthy of being anyone, therefore I lived in the shadows of ‘nobody.’ Having been constantly bullied, harassed, and talked down to, my self-esteem was so low that I had trouble seeing a future in which I could be truly happy. I recently came to a point where I was standing at a crossroad.
If I walked the path to my left, I would continue to be miserable and sad for the minute amount of time that I could persuade myself to stay in this world. I might even have fallen over the dangerously close edge towards the other side. If I walked the path to my right (a very small and scary path that no one had ever walked before) I would be walking away from the toxicity surrounding me, and into the light; into my own greatness and acceptance of me. At this point in my life, I was unexperienced in where the narrow and scary path would leave me. All I knew was that I did not have a desire to continue walking in the dark version of life, so close to the edge of giving up, where I had been forced to walk by constant self loathing and criticism through other people’s judgements. So, on a beautifully sunny day last week, I took a step onto the right path.
It was as if my surroundings suddenly changed. The sun was shining brighter than ever before, the sky was suddenly more blue than I could have imagined, and I found beauty in the little things in life for the first time. The birds’ chirping was the most wonderful sound in the world. Everything looked, sounded, smelled, and felt tenfold. I felt alive for the first time in my life, and for the first time in my life, I saw my worth! And in that moment I felt I was meant for something bigger. I was ready for life, and I felt free.
With an amazingly new perspective, and what seemed like new eyes, I looked around me and saw the toxic people in my life. At this point in my life I was able to see these specific individuals for who they truly are, while originally, I was unable to see them as being toxic. I suddenly saw them turn into human beings in need of help. I saw how they were desperately crying for help through projecting their own insecurities and characteristics onto me. I saw that everything they were saying about me was merely a projection of what they were struggling with in their own lives. I was not the problem, they were.
A dear friend and colleague, Erin Taylor, told me a while back to write a letter to myself. She said to write the letter to my inner child and put in the things I would say to my own children if they were sad or struggling with something. I really wanted to do this, but as I was struggling finding words, I wasn’t finding motivation because I still felt unworthy. Although I had a mountain ahead of myself, I still tried, and this is such an important lesson. Never give up on yourself, because one day you might look inward and be in awe of your accomplishments and growth.
Once I got started writing myself a letter to my inner child, the words came to me so fast that I had trouble keeping up. When I was done, I was so anxious about reading it back that I even questioned, what if I didn’t really relate or understand a single word that I had just written?
To my surprise, I did. I read the letter out loud. I read it again and again, and as I realized what beautiful words I wrote to and about myself, I cried. I truly believe I am good enough, and I am so grateful to reach this point in my life.
It is with great joy and love that I share my letter with you:
Dear Simone, my sweet girl,
I constantly hear you telling yourself that you are not good enough. I see you hurting yourself time and time over. I feel your pain, I want to help you. Please let me.
All the people in your life who have tried and are trying to bring you down, whether it be consciously or subconsciously, they have not been able to do anything other than what THEY have learned from THEIR environment and from THEIR upbringing. This has nothing to do with YOU, Simone, because who THEY are REALLY judging and hating on is NOT you, it is THEMSELVES!
They have seen their own failure in your success every time you have tried to get yourself out there, and they are jealous. Honey, they’re just jealous. So when they try to bring you down, take it as a compliment to your success instead of looking at it as negative criticism.
You are so talented, my sweet girl. You are a gifted young lady. You write, you take pictures, you sing, you swim, you do everything that you decide to do, and you do it with excellence. You are a kind, warm, and caring person and you deserve to be happy. You have no reason not to be confident and proud of everything that you have and will accomplish in life.
So breathe for a bit, and release the pain with every breath. Shoulders down, release the tension and just breathe.
You are beautiful and I love you honey, always. Don’t ever forget that.
I love you dearly.
Simone Christine Thorsteinsson